A Few Golden Nuggets for the Online Dater. I see you; I feel you; I am you.


Recently I decided to “get back out there” as they say, and set up a Bumble profile. I’ve never really had too much success with the online dating deal. To be honest, when I first decided to give it the old college try I started with Tinder. Now Tinder gets a bad rep for being a hook up website because it kind of is – I mean if you go out with the rumored “school slut” you secretly hope you get laid. But on the other hand I’ve heard Tinder success stories so I guess it doesn’t really matter which site you use. Anyway, this time around I’m bumbling.

For those of you unfamiliar with Bumble, this is essentially how it works: You set up a profile with five or so photos. When you both swipe right for each other, the girl has 24 hours to make the first move and send a message. It’s basically the Sadie Hawkins of conversation. It’s no doubt an app probably made by a man. Once the woman has sent the message – the man then has 24 hours to respond. Now therein lies the bullshit.

With my experience, I’d say nine out of ten men must be swiping while jerking off slightly buzzed after midnight so they’ll swipe right to anything and everything. But once that joystick is put away it’s like they forgot who you are, why you matched and how to holla back. In any case, I send a short message usually commenting on their apparent interests to start the convo and hope for a reply. Six out of ten don’t; two reply with a standard hello (which is fine in my book); and the other two are already sending inappropriate sexts. Like, we haven’t even met yet f@$kboy. Chill. Look, we’re all adults – eventually we all want to fuck, but don’t lead with that. We’ll get there if we both want it. So basically, I’m looking at about two out of ten guys who can carry a conversation without crossing the line. #metoo. The conversation goes on for a few days and I maybe end up going on a date with one of these guys. Maybe. 

I feel like dating websites are essentially dating by “quantity” over “quality”. It’s like the more interested men you meet, the more chances you’ll have to find your mate, lobster, partner, soulmate, plus one, sugar daddy, whatever it is you’re looking for. As I make my way through this numbers game of dating, I’ve learned a few things to help me search for deeper connections. I’m sure I have plenty to learn in this dating world but I thought I could share a few nuggets of wisdom.

Rules to make a true effort in the online world:

  1. Write something in your bio! WTF? Have something to say and make sure your bio AND pics REPRESENT you and LOOK like you. I like snowboarding so when I see this on people’s profile I get excited. Please don’t post a pic with a snowboard if you’ve never been. I see so many guys on bumble holding surfboards and I think there’s no way all these guys are surfers. Don’t post a pic of your friend’s longboard. Upload photos that really show YOU. Stop frontin’.
  2. Don’t control the conversation by telling someone how to say hi. I see this on guy’s profiles more than I like: If you’re just going to send me a message that says ‘hi’ don’t bother. First of all, I’m not a shy girl but what if I was? That would intimidate me. Please don’t be a control freak, if we met in real life you wouldn’t correct my greeting. To me it just makes them come off as a judgmental person. Lots of great conversations start with a “hi” in real life. Let it build. Let it grow. Be genuinely interested. And be nice.
  3. Don’t ghost on them after two messages. If you’re no longer interested and swiped right on them at 2am cuz you were drunk and horny, just delete the match and you can both move on. Otherwise I just assume you died in a car accident because why wouldn’t you respond to my witty message?? (said with crazy eyes)
  4. Talk on the Phone!!! Since the beginning of this relationship isn’t per se, traditional. Let some of it feel traditional. I always talk to them on the phone before I meet up in person. There is a lot of attraction in just a voice, a laugh, a smoker’s cough. Yeah, sometimes you go on dates with smokers and they smell like cigs, cough like your grandmother and spit when strolling down the street with you. Now that’s clearly an exaggeration but don’t you want to find out a little bit more of who they are before the first date? I do. It makes the first date a little less awkward.
  5. Meet up in real life. Until I meet you I assume this is a Catfish. Either the guy is trying too hard to seem cool which leads me to think he’s full of shit. So just be cool. Don’t try so hard. Meet up in real life so we can at least see that we’re both real people. I don’t want a pen pal. I get enough text messages I don’t return half the time, who needs more? My point is, let’s meet up and see if anything clicks. Nothing crazy. Maybe just a cup of coffee or a walk through the park. Of all the cute dog pics on every guy’s dating profile, how come none of you are actually using them in real life? Let’t take your cute dog for a walk and talk. Not only is that a simple and cute date, it’s free. Be smart out there. “Drinks” can get expensive.

That’s enough for now. I hope you find this helpful. Feel free to comment or share some of your own words of wisdom. As always, thanks for reading!

~ Lady Q